depression cvid cvidiva
CVID HEALTH

My Illness May be Invisible but My Depression Is Not

Depression sucks.

Depression with and/or because of CVID sucks even worse.

Did you know when your immune system is all fucked up so is just about everything else in your body? Let’s see…in my case…my brain, my hormones, my weight, my hair (or lack thereof), my stomach, my poop, my pee, my muscles, my vision, my energy…just to name a few.

Did you also know when your immune system is all fucked up so is just about everything OUTSIDE your body? My marriage, my mothering, my career (Poof! Gone!), a lot of my money, my relationships with my parents and other family members, my friendships, my relationship with God, my motivation, my house…well, I’ll just stop there.

So, all of THAT doesn’t help in regards to depression

I mourn the driven, young woman I used to be. I see pictures of her and literally think “if only I could be her once again”. I was stupid and ignorant and I took her body, energy and health for granted (not to mention her hair!).

“Susan,” you might say to me, “you ARE older now. You’re 41 and not 25 any more! We all feel this way sometimes”.

To you I would say, “You are right! But, I should feel 41 (give or take a few years depending on the day and what time of the month it is!) NOT 81!”

To anyone and everyone else out there living with depression (whether you have a chronic disease or not), I understand.

I understand that it’s almost impossible to drag yourself out of bed in the morning to face yet another day feeling like shit physically and mentally. I understand that you feel so tired every second of every day even after a decent night’s sleep. I understand that you feel all alone and that you’ve isolated yourself physically or maybe just emotionally. I understand that you’re scared you might never feel real joy again because you haven’t felt it in so long that you don’t know what it would feel like even if you felt it again.

I understand.

I understand that all of the shit your friends and family, your doctor, your hair dresser and the internet tell you to do to dig your way out of depression is impossible when you are so depressed that you can’t even get out of bed to help your children get ready for school in the morning or for that matter to sip a skinny vanilla latte’ from you-know-where.

Exercise? Eat veggies? Dress the way I want to feel? Volunteer because helping others will make me feel better? Keep a gratitude journal. These are ALL super suggestions. They really are…but for me they really only help once I’ve dug myself half-way out of the rabbit hole or I’m trying to keep depression at bay.

It’s hard to understand isn’t it? I’m sure it’s even harder for those who have never experienced deep, long-lasting depression to understand.

I get it, though, and I want you all to know that.

my chronic illness cvid is invisible but my depression is not cvidiva

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38 Comments

  • minecraft

    Nice blog! Is your theme custom made or did you download it from somewhere?
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    • Susan Alynne

      Thank you! This theme is my all-time fav. It is a free wordpress theme called Savona. I did have to adjust the settings to get the exact look you see though and I’m happy to explain that or help you with yours the best I can! Please email me directly at susanalynne@cvidiva.com and we’ll work on it!

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    • Susan Alynne

      Thank you for notifying me of this issue. I always appreciate and want to know when people are experiencing such issues (or any others). I will be checking it out shortly and if you do come back by my site and see the same issue please do not hesitate to write me again!

    • Susan Alynne

      Weird, but good! I’m not sure why my site would be coming up in a search for Minecraft, however, I’m still pretty new at this so… Thanks for taking a look and come by anytime!

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    • Susan Alynne

      Thanks! I think I already replied to your comment earlier but the “struggle is real!” You are right–there are others that feel the same way and thankfully they are brave enough to share their feelings online.

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    • Susan Alynne

      I’ll have to tell you that I know exactly how you feel! I’ve spent countless hours online searching and searching for REAL, TRUE, PERSONAL accounts of depression, chronic illness, and so many other topics. I’m happy this post has helped you.

    • Susan Alynne

      Thank you. Yes, I agree with your findings. Many people that have invisible chronic illness often suffer from depression and several of my friends and family did notice. Some did not. I think that is to be expected. I like the mental health movement of recent years. It is bringing to light the symptoms of depression, anxiety, and other mental illnesses. Perhaps as our environment becomes more enlightened we human beings will be able to better recognize, reach out, and offer help to our fellow human beings in need.

  • minecraft

    Hello! Would you mind if I share your blog with my facebook group?
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    • Susan Alynne

      Absolutely! I would be so honored! I am sooooooooooooo sorry I’ve been out sick due to CVID-related issues. I’ll be posting all the fun (sarcastic) details this week! Please feel free to write me anytime and would you mind letting me know what group or liking my page on FB @cvidivia so I can join your group. I need all the support I could get and I would love to share all the support I can! Thank you!

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    • Susan Alynne

      Hello! I’m sorry I was out sick for a while when this happened to you. Did you try it again and if so, did it happen again? Please feel free to write me anytime and let me know how I can help! Also, thank you for letting me know it was posting slow. I always want to know this stuff so I can fix it and/or check on it!

    • Susan Alynne

      Thank you! You are right! This site needs a lot more attention…from me!!! Unfortunately, I’ve been a little out of commission lately dealing with some CVID-related issues, but I’m back! Please feel free to write me anytime!

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    • Susan Alynne

      Hello there! Thank you so much for your kind words! I actually just completed a redesign of the site. My goal was to simplify it and really focus on the content–CVID! Writing about, informing, advocating, etc…about CVID is the whole reason I started this blog. I feel like I have no idea what I’m doing because I’m self-taught but lately I’ve been connecting with others and at the very least putting out some decent content on CVID from a patient’s perspective. Thank you for suggesting that I write more on the depression that I still struggle with because of my CVID. You are so right! The topic deserves so much more discussion as depression is often just swept under the rug and not dealt with even though it is such a real thing in any situation and especially when it’s accompanied or caused by a health crisis. I will begin writing some more asap! Thank you again for contacting me and feel free to email me anytime! Susan:)

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