CVID sucks. Depression sucks. CVID and depression sucks even worse.
Did you know when your immune system is all fucked up so is just about everything else in your body? Let’s see…in my case…my brain, my hormones, my weight, my hair (or lack thereof), my stomach, my poop, my pee, my muscles, my vision, my energy…just to name a few.
Did you also know when your immune system is all fucked up so is just about everything OUTSIDE your body? My marriage, my mothering, my career (Poof! Gone!), a lot of my money, my relationships with my parents and other family members, my friendships, my relationship with God, my motivation, my house…well, I’ll just stop there.
So, all of THAT doesn’t help in regards to my CVID and depression
I mourn the driven, young woman I used to be. I see pictures of her and literally think “if only I could be her once again.” I was stupid and ignorant and I took her body, energy and health for granted (not to mention her hair!).
“Susan,” you might say to me, “you ARE older now. You’re 41 and not 25 any more! We all feel this way sometimes.”
To you I would say, “You are right! But, I should feel 41 (give or take a few years depending on the day and what time of the month it is!) NOT 81!”
To anyone and everyone else out there living with depression (whether you have a chronic disease or not), I understand.
I understand that it’s almost impossible to drag yourself out of bed in the morning to face yet another day feeling like shit physically and mentally. I understand that you feel so tired every second of every day even after a decent night’s sleep. I understand that you feel all alone and that you’ve isolated yourself physically or maybe just emotionally. I understand that you’re scared you might never feel real joy again because you haven’t felt it in so long that you don’t know what it would feel like even if you felt it again.
I understand that all of the shit your friends and family, your doctor, your hairdresser and the internet tell you to do to dig your way out of depression is impossible when you are so depressed that you can’t even get out of bed to help your children get ready for school in the morning or for that matter to sip a skinny vanilla latte’ from you-know-where.
Exercise? Eat veggies? Dress the way I want to feel? Volunteer because helping others will make me feel better? Keep a gratitude journal. These are ALL super suggestions. They really are…but for me they really only help once I’ve dug myself halfway out of the rabbit hole or I’m trying to keep depression at bay.
It’s hard to understand isn’t it? I’m sure it’s even harder for those who have never experienced deep, long-lasting depression to understand.
I get it, though, and I want you all to know that.
Stay strong my Zebra friends.