I often have emotions that I don’t know what to do with.
Numerous emotions. All at the same time.
I’m an adult and I’m supposed to know how to deal, right?
But this is all new to me. The old me (my 20 & 30 something self pre-illness and pre-diagnosis) didn’t deal with emotions.
I was taught not to.
I remember my grandfather telling me after I gave my grandmother’s eulogy at her funeral service that I was going to have to learn to control my emotions. (WHAT?!!!!) Yes, I admit it, I cried and totally lost it while speaking. Isn’t that normal? (To explain, he was an old German white male who was very controlling and opinionated.)
So, after that I tried to do what I was told. I denied my emotions. All of them. The joyous ones, the happy ones, the sad ones…ALL OF THEM.
Well, a fine fix that got me into. Now, when it seems like everything in my life concerning my health is going to hell in a hand basket I’m an emotional wreck.
I also don’t like to burden my friends with my emotions. I mean they have stuff going on too and unloading on them sounds like whining to me.
Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT)
So, I’ve been researching Cognitive Behavioral Therapy (CBT) which ironically my mom is certified in and teaches classes on. (That’s a rabbit hole I don’t want to go down though. I mean she’s my mom and although we are close sometimes their are topics I just can’t broach with her due to other family circumstances, you know?)
The shitty part is after my CVID diagnosis in October 2017, I thought I was ok. I haven’t been great but I thought I was dealing.
Then, I found out my younger son Jace (9) has Subclass IgG Disorder, my older son Jack (13) has full blown CVID, I have basil cell carcinoma, and there were some irregularities on my right breast mammogram that have to be reviewed and possibly looked at via ultra-sound.
My reaction-I had a total break down in my appointment with Dr. K (my immunologist). In front of Jack. In front of the nurses. In front of Dr. K’s scribe.
To Dr. K’s credit he talked me down. He’s big on me living a good life-the best life I possibly can. He makes me promise him to live happy. I’m trying, but you see why it’s hard for me right? (I totally know I’m whining here ok!)
So, back to CBT.
Apparently, there are thoughts called scripts in my head that aren’t my authentic self’s thoughts at all. They are thoughts I adopted to survive in an alcoholic household i.e. “just stuff down those emotions Susan Alynne because I don’t want to cause any more trouble for my parents marriage-just tip toe quietly;” thoughts I heard and adopted from the most important people in my life i.e. “you’re fat Susan Alynne and you can’t feel good or look good fat especially as a dancer;” thoughts I made up myself i.e. “I’m never going to be good enough but I’ll die trying.”
Here’s an excellent read on CBT and the false or incorrect thinking patterns I have via The Positive Psychology website.
Did you read it? Do you get it? Is anyone else like this or is it just me? I honestly don’t know.
I recently learned I can STOP these thoughts. Here’s what Michael Wells, Life Coach and Co-Founder at the Brojo writes on Quora:
- Recognize when these thoughts happen. Often, at the moment when you feel compelled to do something self-destructive. This takes practice, you’ll get better at it.
- STOP, and realize that they are just thoughts. At first, the self-destructive reactions feel automatic- they aren’t, you do have total control. Just like seeing a TV commercial does not make you need to buy something, having a thought does not make you need to do something.
- Acknowledge that they are not your thoughts. Say it out loud if it helps, “That’s not my thought…”
Over time, you’ll start to notice that the same voices say the same things, and you’ll know who is speaking in your head. Soon, those voices may get names of people you know (sometimes more than one!).
So, I’ve been practicing self-destructive behavior. Yeah for me! Way to go! No wonder I can’t “adult” most days. These thoughts are totally debilitating.
I’m going to try CBT though. Maybe I’ll even be able to find a therapist who specializes in CBT with chronically ill people like me.
I’ll start with self-acceptance, well at least in regards to CVID.
I am a Zebra.
I also love two little Zebras.
I also know all three of us Zebras have people out there that love us too.
Thank God for that.